


Intruder Alert

by siarc_a_botel



Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Alternate Universe, Attempt at Humor, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Umbrellas, lets just call it love at first sight, lots of swearing, luz being luz, minor Babe Heffron/Eugene Roe, they get together within hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 07:34:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14732657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siarc_a_botel/pseuds/siarc_a_botel
Summary: “Bill you asshole!” Luz hissed through the speaker, trying to keep as quiet as possible. “Answer your damn phone, I think someone’s in my room! If I get kidnapped or taken by some extra-terrestrials I’m totally blaming you… should I ring the police?… if you find my body I want the Backstreet boys played at my funeral and hunky guys in short shorts carrying my casket!”





	Intruder Alert

**Author's Note:**

> I... don't even know! I just love Luztoye!
> 
>  
> 
> (Based on HBO's Band of Brothers characters not the real troopers!)

“La la la, la la la la la la...” Luz sang at the top of his voice as he climbed the stairs two by two, earphones plugged in his ears, and his brown bag of groceries wiggling in his arm. “… shake it to the right, if ya know that you feel fine…”

As he reached the fourth floor he kicked open the brown door, and jumped into the hallway, dancing his way down to his apartment. “Hai, si, ja, hold tight!” he whooped as he came to his door, the number five swinging upside down.

“Hm.” He hummed to himself, as he flicked the metal number back and forth. “Should probably get you fixed. Guarnere and his slamming doors.”

Luz wriggled around with his free hand to try and find his keys in his back pocket, yanking them out with a victorious shout seconds later. Sticking the keys in the lock, he got the door open and gave it a slight kick before going inside, the room enclosed in darkness, the only light coming from the city illuminations through the living room window. Flicking the switch by the door the main lights came on, making it easier for him to find his path.

He made his way past the living room, groaning at the smell of leftover lasagne on the coffee table, probably courtesy of Guarnere, and the dirty socks littering the carpet, those were definitely Heffron. As he reached the kitchen he plonked the groceries down on the counter, and whipped out his earphones.

“Bill? Babe?” he called out, skipping back into the living room. “Jeez, it stinks in here.”

Luz strolled over to the two bedrooms on the other side of the apartment, first checking Guarneres on the left, which was empty, and smelt worse than his lasagne, then he walked the couple of steps towards Heffron’s door. Noticing a piece of paper stuck to the handle, Luz ripped it off and gave it a read.

_Luz, you left your phone on the dining room table so we couldn’t call! Taken Eugene out for our one month anniversary! Guarnere said he’s gone out with some school buddies to get sloshed and he’ll be back when he’s about ready to puke!_

_Babe_

Luz chuckled to himself, scrunching the paper up in his hand and throwing it into the nearest bin. He turned the corner to find his phone was indeed sitting on the round table, the red light in its corner flashing. It wasn’t the first time he’d forgotten to take his phone to work, he always slept through the alarm and continuously rushed to work every time. Thankfully the only calls he’d missed this time were from Guarnere and Heffron, and one text form his mother telling him about the new episode of the Real Housewives.

“Oh no!” Luz gasped as he read his mother’s text. “Kyle and Faye are getting a divorce?”

BANG!

Luz jumped in his skin as a loud bang sounded from down the hall. He froze, eyeing the other side of the apartment as another slightly quieter bang came from his room. He suddenly felt a little, maybe a lot, creeped out by the fact that noises were coming from his bedroom, and he didn’t exactly want to find out why.

Luz looked down at the bin where he’d thrown the letter. Thinking to himself he wondered whether Guarnere had returned home and gone into his room because it was closer to the kitchen, it wasn’t the first time. But then he looked at the clock sitting on the shelf by the dining room table, reading nine thirty, and he knew for sure it definitely wasn’t Guarnere. He partied until way after midnight. It certainly wasn’t Heffron, he’d have seen Eugene’s shoes by the front door, and they wouldn’t have gone into his room together for that matter.

So, Luz’s mind began thinking up some scary stuff. It could be an alien that transported to his room to feed off his trash, or it could be some kind of demon from hell that decided to wait for him to come home to take over his body, or, more realistically, someone had broken into their apartment and was currently stealing his stuff. Luz gulped, hoping for the alien theory to be true. Deciding he didn’t want to find out by himself, he tapped away on his phone and dialled Guarnere’s number, not wanting to disturb Heffron from his date.

The phone began to ring as Luz took quiet, careful steps towards his bedroom, picking up a large umbrella from the stand by the door with his free hand. Getting closer to his room, Guarnere’s answerphone started playing in his ear, the Philadelphian’s voice telling him to leave a message or take a hike.

“Bill you asshole!” Luz hissed through the speaker, trying to keep as quiet as possible. “Answer your damn phone, I think someone’s in my room! If I get kidnapped or taken by some extra-terrestrials I’m totally blaming you… should I ring the police?… if you find my body I want the Backstreet boys played at my funeral and hunky guys in short shorts carrying my casket!”

Another bang sounded, followed by a low moan. Luz hung up the phone and put it back in his pocket, his heart beginning to pound frantically against his chest. It was now or never, and gathering up his courage whilst hovering the umbrella up in the air ready to attack, Luz gripped the handle on the door and turned. Counting to three in his head, and breathing in deeply, Luz swung the door open and jumped into the room.

“AHHHHHHHHHH!”

Luz screamed at the top of his voice as he saw the intruder, who was currently getting up off the floor by his bed, looking up at him in confusion as Luz darted towards him. His confusion rapidly turned to surprise as Luz swung at him with his umbrella, landing blows one after the other.

“Jesus fuck!” The burglar yelled, as Luz hit him over and over. “What the fuck!”

“Get out, get out, get out!” Luz screeched, shutting his eyes as he hit the man, and hoping for the best. He just hoped he didn’t end up stabbing the poor guy, the pointy end of the umbrella was pretty deadly. “Get out you thief!” he shrieked.

“Fucking stop you crazy…” the man cut himself off, and before Luz could get another word in the other guy had grabbed a hold of his umbrella, yanked it out of his hand and tossed it to the floor.

Luz’s eyes snapped open to stare in horror at the stranger, who, _wow he’s hot_ , looked at him in anger. The dark-eyed man then took a fistful of his jacket with both hands and pushed Luz against the nearest wall, trapping him between the wall and himself.

Luz squealed. “Please don’t kill me! Take everything! Just don’t kill me! I havn’t seen the new episode of Criminal Investigations yet and I’m so close to finishing level forty two of Zombie wars!”

The man just stared at him, brows creased. “You must be Luz.” he said, as his grip on his shirt slackened.

“I also still need to learn how to Zumba and-,” Luz froze, mouth agape as he realised the dude had said his name. “Wait… what?”

The man sighed, releasing Luz from his grasp and taking a step back. “I’m Joe Toye, Guarnere’s friend from high school.”

Luz kept staring, watching as this Joe guy looked him over, before a lightbulb suddenly went off in his head. Luz could just about remember what Guarnere had told him a week ago, about some high school buddies of his moving to the city to work at his taxi company and settling into an apartment nearby. One had a German name he couldn’t quite recall, another sounded like it rhymed with puck, the other guy’s name was slang for bullshit and oh, Luz’s eyes widened, the last one was positively Joe Toye.

“Oops.” Said Luz, as he grinned at Toye. “My bad.”

Toye snorted. “You always attack your friend’s buddies like that?”

“No!” Luz said quickly, feeling himself blush as the hot guy started to smirk. And shit, he only just noticed how crazily sexy his voice was. “I didn’t exactly have a choice when I thought you were burgling the apartment!”

“Didn’t you know I was here?” Toye asked.

“No…”

Toye rolled his eyes. “Guess Guarnere was too pissed to text you after all.”

“Figures.” Luz deadpanned.

“Yeah,” Toye chuckled, snatching up the umbrella off the floor. “Sorry, he said he’d let you know that I’d be here. Me and my friend’s ain’t had our key to our apartment yet, so we’re all crashing here tonight. I drove us here so uh, a few drinks at the bar made me a bit tired, Guarnere said I could come take a nap.”

“Huh.” Luz nodded, taking the umbrella that Toye held out to him. “So he said you could crash in my bed?” he asked, secretly hoping that holy shit yes, Joe Toye could definitely sleep in his bed, as long as Luz was right there with him.

Toye though looked at him muddled. “Your bed?”

“Yeah,” Luz grinned as the realisation dawned on the taller man’s face. “This is my room.”

“Fuck.” Toye groaned, rubbing a hand down his face. “I’m so fucking sorry. When he said his room was opposite the kitchen I thought he meant literally opposite the fucking kitchen.”

“Well, technically it is.” Luz chuckled. “Anyway, I don’t mind if you want to sleep in my bed, go right ahead.” he grinned, earning a smirk from the cabbie.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Luz shrugged. “I’m a good cuddler.” he said in all seriousness, and damn it, Joe Toye’s smile was hot too.

“Well then, I can’t turn down that offer.” Toye said.

“But,” Luz began, as he turned to leave. “You gotta be a gentleman and buy me dinner first.”

Toye laughed, following Luz into the living room so he could put the umbrella back in its stand. “That can be arranged. What’s the time?”

Luz looked over at the clock. “Nine thirty nine.”

“How about pizza and a movie?” Toye asked, shrugging off his jacket and laying it across the sofa.

“Shouldn’t I be the one to buy you dinner actually?” Luz said, standing in the middle of the room, and staring at the man’s oh so muscly arms that were hiding under the leather coat. He was so screwed. “I did almost kill you with my umbrella.”

Toye smirked. “I did nap in your bed, I suppose were even.” He said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Still, it’s my treat, I am intruding on your night.”

“Nah,” Luz shrugged, peeling his eyes away from Toye’s flexed muscles and wanting to say he could nap in his bed any day but instead he went with: “I was just going to watch a movie and eat crap anyway. Company is always a bonus.”

Toye nodded, reaching into his trouser pocket to retrieve his phone. “Best get a movie ready then, I’ll call the pizza place.”

Luz grinned, shuffling over to the television to switch it on. A couple of hours later the food had been devoured, the movie titles were scrolling down the screen, and Luz and Toye were sitting inches apart on the comfy sofa talking away. Luz was seconds away from freaking out because one, their knees had been touching the entire time, two, Toye was even sexier up close, and three, the more he heard him talk in that deep, gravelly voice the more Luz wanted to rip his clothes off and lay himself out like a buffet.

“So, you have nine siblings, you speak fluent Portuguese, you fix computers for a living, and what about these Zumba lessons, huh?” Toye said with a smirk.

Luz groaned, putting his head in his hands. “My darkest secret is revealed.”

Toye laughed deeply. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty fucking good at knitting.”

“No?!” Luz’s head shot up, mouth dropping open in surprise. “You? Knitting? You’re way too sexy and shit to be knitting.” He said before he could stop himself. “And there goes my big mouth again.”

Toye grinned, moving an arm to rest against the top of the sofa. “You don’t think knitting is sexy?” he said in a teasing tone.

“Well, I suppose you could make it seem sexy.” Luz answered, throwing caution to the wind. He’d already told Toye he had nice thighs and pecks to die for since they’d sat down, so it wasn’t like the other man didn’t know he may have the hots for him already. “Can see it now, the next advertisement for the new range of yarn, Joe Toye sitting on a stool in his vest shirt, toned arms glistening from all the hard work from knitting a scarf for the winter.”

Toye threw his head back in a laugh. “May have to get you a job in advertising.”

“I’d be a hit.” Luz grinned. “Move over world, George Luz is taking over!”

Toye smiled, slowly moving his hand that wasn’t on the sofa closer to Luz’s, their hands touched, Toye extending a finger to brush gently along the back of Luz’s hand. “You’re fucking adorable.”

Luz shivered at the soft touch, hoping to whatever God was looking down on him that this was not some kind of dream that he was going to wake up from in seconds. But it became pretty obvious that it weren’t when Toye leant forward, bringing their lips together in a kiss. Luz tensed in shock because holy sexy lips Batman, Toye was kissing him, the hot, sexy cab driver was nipping at his bottom lip and he was threading his fingers through his hair.

Luz moaned into the kiss, not giving a damn by that point, as Toye slipped his tongue between his parted lips and deepened it. If someone had told Luz he’d be sitting on his couch making out with Mr. Muscles that night, he’d have laughed in their faces.

“Fuck.” Toye breathed out as they pulled apart, air becoming essential by this point. “That was uh… that was something.”

“Yeah.” Luz squeaked. “Well I… I’ve never done anything like _this_ before.”

“What?” Toye grinned, nuzzling the younger man’s neck and planting kisses along his jawline. “Made out with someone?”

“Oh no,” Luz sighed, biting his lip as he felt Toye nibble on his earlobe. “Made out with someone who I literally met like two minutes ago!”

Toye chuckled, pulling back to look at him. “Neither have I.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Toye said with a smirk, his voice sounding deeper that had Luz melt like a damn snowman. “Just couldn’t help myself, you’re something special, George.”

Luz just grinned. “You can tell that after one movie and a large pizza?” Instead of answering Toye smiled and moved in for another kiss. Luz thought nothing could have beaten that first kiss, but how wrong he was when Toye practically pulled him into his lap, and kissed him like it were the end of the freaking world.

“YEEEEEEEEEES!”

Luz and Toye practically jumped apart, mouths looking a little swollen and hair tousled. Gazing over towards the source of the shout, they found a very red faced, probably drunk as hell Guarnere, alongside a grinning Heffron with Roe who looked guilty about their intrusion. Not to mention the three other men who Luz had never seen before, who must have been the rest of the high school crowd. Safe to say, embarrassment was a go.

“I knew it would work!” Guarnere punched the air, sharing a high five with the unknown red head. “Fucking told you guys!”

“Damn genius, Guarnere.” The sandy blonde guy said with a beaming grin, virtually leaning on his other buddy.

“Thanks Muck. You owe me twenty bucks, Liebgott.” Guranere smiled smugly, reaching out a hand towards the skinny guy.

“Fuck sake, Toye.” Liebgott mumbled as he slapped a note in Guarnere’s outstretched palm. “Couldn’t you have kept your hands to yourself?”

“Um…” Luz looked from one drunk bloke to another in confusion. “What’s going on exactly?”

Toye was the one who answered, and he didn’t sound as amused as his friend’s looked. “I think we were set up, Luz.”

“Ding ding ding!” Guarnere beamed, slowly taking steps back to hide behind Heffron. “It was his idea.” He said, pointing an accusing finger at the red head.

“Hey!” Heffron squealed. “It was not!”

“Was too!” Guarnere argued back.

“You just said it was your idea, Gonorrhea.” Muck said with a laugh.

“Did I?”

“Literally two seconds ago.” The one who must have been Malarkey said.

“No I didn’t!” Guarnere debated avidly. “Liars!”

“You so did, you idiot!” Heffron pipped in.

“Oh here we go.” Roe sighed, taking a seat by the dining room table.

“You guys just want to blame me!” Guarnere whined.

“We’re blaming you because it was your idea, dipshit!”

“Uh, Joe?” Luz whispered to the other man, who by now was leaning forward on the sofa with his head in his hands, rubbing at his temple with his thumbs. “Fancy going to my room?”

“Yes.” Toye said without even having to think about it. “If I have to hear these drunk idiots yell at each other for another second, I might have to toss them out the fucking window.”

Luz grinned, before taking a hold of Toye’s hand and yanking him off the sofa. Soundlessly and inconspicuously, with a quick wave to Roe who was practically simmering in his chair, the two made their way down the hall and into Luz’s room. And five minutes later:

“ALL OF YOU BE QUIET!”

Toye almost jumped in surprise in Luz’s bed at the sound of someone’s bellowing voice outside, he reluctantly pulled away from the younger man in his arms, who was chuckling to himself.

“What the hell?” Toye said.

“Good ole Gene Roe.” Luz grinned as they heard him yell at the others.

“YOU’RE ADULTS YOU OUGHTA KNOW BETTER, NOW GET YOURSELVES SOME WATER AND INTO BED, SPARE BLANKETS ARE IN THE CUPBOARD! HEFFRON, BED, NOW!”

With that, they heard a door slamming, some shuffling, then within minutes there was complete silence. Luz and Toye shared a look before laughing, imagining the faces of their friends as the so called quite one of the group tore their throats out in frustration. They were thankful to him of course, it was much easier to fall asleep once the house was silent.

And even easier for Luz who had a hot guy in bed with him, who he’d met just hours ago. Who’d have thought? He was going to sleep like a baby that night.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Gawd, I was literally going to stop at the two watching a movie... then I lost control...


End file.
